feeling sad and afraid.

it's pretty hot.

I miss my friend and have too many memories.

Sunset Park doodles...

If I were to make a Sunset Park tote bag of key neighborhood illustrations and graphics, here's what it would have (*running list):

-Tacos (on a plate or in a box?)
-Bubble Tea
-The view from the park
-Green Fig bakery fruit tart
-Army Terminal
-D-Train and N/R-Train logo
-Vietnamese Sandwich
-Big Rig truck (?)
-Green-Wood Cemetery tombstone
-Cake slice(s)

flower/nature/solitude emoji

Lately it's come into fruition that all I want to be around/think about are flowers, animals, nature in general (outside), meditation and yoga again, being around that one Richard T. Walker piece I experienced in Austin last year and removing myself from all self-doubt and concern for a few hours at a time.

I think part of the reason the piece had such an impact on me in the way that it did was that because I was alone with it, and without the feeling that other people were watching it too or judging how long I was in the room. It was nice to settle into the space and make the it my own, even tho 'making it my own' mainly meant that I could charge my battery-evaporating phone and lounge in different parts of the room-- unzipping my backpack and fumblingly taking notes. (still pretty illegible)

Oh -- to be on the start of a new adventure...

6 Months in NYC

and the only conclusion I've drawn is that all my favorite places to spend a lot of time (where I can finally feel whole, at peace and unanxious) now involve dead people, solitude, and non-humans.

S/O to:
-Green-Wood Cemetery
-The Met
-Gardens

Which is really convenient for making new, long-lasting friendships.

*Disclaimer: I forgot about IFC Center which is my favorite thing to do in NY, but I guess I still feel anxiety sometimes because there can be a lot of people which makes me miss my friends or wish I had them to go with. & I have to get on the subway right after which is always depressing...

Last Day at American Girl Place

Today was my last day working at the American Girl Place on 5th Avenue in NYC.

It was a seasonal job that began maybe 2 or 3 weeks after I moved here.  Looking back (even though I got home only a few hours ago), it seems like such a whirlwind, bizarre, and informative experience.  Like, as strange as it was to be working a crazy retail job as an art college graduate with decent employment history, when I was actually there, helping customers and busy it didn't seem as awkward and strange.  I guess that's what "being in the present" is about or whatever.

I learned...:

~People aren't always what they seem -- especially when working with people that seem a lot different from you, or like they wouldn't like you, it can actually be quite the opposite and you can be very pleasantly surprised.

~Really, just be yourself. It's much easier and the right people will like you.  Make the effort to talk to those you work with because it'll make your time soo much easier and more worthwhile.

~(*With that being said*) Act, Act, Act... To lessen your chances of fucking up. Just do your best to seem on pointe because hopefully you won't have to fake it till much longer.

These seem really obvious, but when you're thrown into a completely new interpersonal work and location environment, these aphorisms truly get tested and start to seem more irl. Or they are disguised in  different, less glamorous manner.  Overall, I just hope this experience means growth; but, I think that it has, just by the nature of surviving it.

And maybe most importantly:::

~DOLLS ARE STILL AWESOME.  (((ESPECIALLY DOLLS WITH STORIES AND DETAILED WORLDS)))  I utilized my employee discount on the very last weekend which was smart because it kept me from going totally ham throughout the season and I got to spend time thinking about what I wanted and really trying to narrow it down as I worked.  So, I ended up choosing:

Day 1:

-Kit's School Lunch (eep, super vintage and cute)
-Julie's School Lunch (also, very retro and fun)
-Kit's Reporter Set
-Samantha's Bedtime Accessories

Day 2:

-Doll Photoshoot Book
-Floral Puppy Collar (very pop and decided I wanted it more than the orange plastic spike one I wanted before)
-Samantha's Dog, Jip (EEEEE I love him! Such a nice looking dog)

I'm very excited to open these and hopefully do something cool with them, or at least use as color and product inspiration.  I've been really interested in production design and the idea of getting into stop motion animation design in the future so I hope these will give me some ideas for cool still life scenes or combining premade toys/objects with my own textile backgrounds or something for some trippy snapshots???

So I'm 26 and excited about my doll accessory purchases as I was when 9 or 10 but it's probably about time for me to just give up on feeling normal... As David Lynch says, ""Inside, we are ageless and when we talk to ourselves, it’s the same age of the person we were talking to when we were little. It’s the body that is changing around that ageless centre"  This makes me feel sooo much better. :) Thanks, timely Eraserhead screening last night.

Short Night Visit to Bay Ridge

So I had today off and was starting to feel antsy because I got up way too late, it was raining, ate some shitty food, had a headache, started crying (again) during my home yoga practice, calmed down/cleaned up a bit (/lot) which felt good, talked to my mom, did laundry, while cleaning /having yoga breakdown thought I should text my friend from home asking what her UWS cafe recommendations are and then... got a *BRIGHT LIGHT* idea that it would be way easier and more convenient/useful to check out a new neighborhood that's closer to me.  And that I've been curious about lately, as it's 'up-and-coming' but still authentic. Plus, I was hungry and needed to get out of the house.

After a fairly quick Yelp search on a limited timeframe, I decided on two places because of their proximity to each other and the subway stop.  They were Pizza Wagon and Mocha Mocha. Both mediocre but I really liked the interior of the pizza joint.  I probably won't go back to Mocha Mocha Cafe as the food was overpriced and it had a weird ambiance. However, I'm glad to have at least check off two places on my 'new place' list and that alone feels like an accomplishment.

I really can't wait to explore it in the daylight, especially the beautiful homes that are displayed in this awesome 86th St. metro stop mosaic. I'm obsessed with it! Very much looking forward to the Bay Ridge/Dyker Heights Christmas lights spectacular. I am such an old lady/suburban mom.

(...On the way home I started listening to the Boyhood soundtrack and felt so much better, like I was remembering who I am. The song 'Hero' always does that for me... thankfully)

Dream Jobs / oh ya whoops // I moved

Dream Jobs:

because I am not mentally/emotionally capable of longterm unemployment or bullshit employment/not rich

-Entrepreneur (fashion)

-Entrepreneur (product design)

-Costume designer and Set Decorator

-Stylist

-Work for NBA Cares/NBA in general

-Teacher, after accomplished much in related subjects/'guru' status

-Museum work, interacting with the public- especially children- to teach about art + exhibitions
*-Yoga teacher (maybe more of a PT-thing tho)
*-General explorer, somehow paid traveler
*-Knitter
*-Restaurant/gallery/bookstore/mini yoga studio all-in-one owner
*-American Girl historical doll designer
**-Work-from-home stenographer??? (while I do art/clothing/knits/fitness the rest of the time)

*= added today, after this post was drafted, which I believe to have been circa June 2014.
**=learned about in the "Careers" section of the amNEWYORK paper today hehe. The title was "JOT THIS CAREER DOWN"

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Whoa, started to spell "doll" as 'dall' -- Where is my mind?

Also, I moved to NYC a day shy of 3 weeks ago.  I meant to start this blog project where I post a picture and paragraph every day so that I can look back a year or two from now (assuming I'm still living here) and be like "Oh. Wow. #impressed" because my life will have presumably improved tremendously.  But I've kind of planned for that to happen for the past few years and well, *Welp,* so maybe a blog will help push things into gear?? Or at least make me not lazy.

---Also, Very Important---: I stalled on blogging here as well since I meant to make an epic Boyhood post, as I was so inspired by it and saw the movie three times in theatres (meant to more)... I was gonna compile all of my favorite links, photos, and quotes (namely via Ethan Hawke and Ellar Coltrane even tho Rick is like my God) but I got subconsciously too overwhelmed and was fairly irl busy so the two combined didn't really amount to any external expression.  It's all still inside... <3 br="">