that I will only ever be happy if I ever/finally allow myself to be.
Since what I think is going to cause me happiness will not in any way happen overnight, I might as well fucking let myself enjoy the moment and the ride, otherwise I will be miserable and subsequently waste at least the next 5+ years which just seems dumb. Of course, I believe the only way for me to not feel guilty or absent-minded for being happy during this "process" is if I am trying really hard and not being lazy or self-doubting during this time.
I had this revelation while feeling insanely bored, miserable, and maybe finally annoyed at both of these feelings while in the fitting room at one of my last days of work today. Like, I have a choice here-- I can actually take some control of how I feel daily, rather than convincing myself that I deserve to feel shitty because of the decisions I have made and habit-forming fear/lack of clear, constant focus that I obsessing with. Like, it's verging on not even being an intellectual, logical thing anymore than like rly do you just want to cut yourself some slack for like 5 seconds and enjoy what's around you?? Maybe most things don't have to be like, 8 layers deeper than they need to be or exist at surface value.
s/o attempting to get your shit together.