Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Today I Had a Realization

that I will only ever be happy if I ever/finally allow myself to be.

Since what I think is going to cause me happiness will not in any way happen overnight, I might as well fucking let myself enjoy the moment and the ride, otherwise I will be miserable and subsequently waste at least the next 5+ years which just seems dumb. Of course, I believe the only way for me to not feel guilty or absent-minded for being happy during this "process" is if I am trying really hard and not being lazy or self-doubting during this time.

I had this revelation while feeling insanely bored, miserable, and maybe finally annoyed at both of these feelings while in the fitting room at one of my last days of work today. Like, I have a choice here-- I can actually take some control of how I feel daily, rather than convincing myself that I deserve to feel shitty because of the decisions I have made and habit-forming fear/lack of clear, constant focus that I obsessing with. Like, it's verging on not even being an intellectual, logical thing anymore than like rly do you just want to cut yourself some slack for like 5 seconds and enjoy what's around you?? Maybe most things don't have to be like, 8 layers deeper than they need to be or exist at surface value.

s/o attempting to get your shit together.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015


"maybe sometimes its best to just acknowledge that a lot of intensity is happening and to try not to hate yourself so much for reacting to it" is a perfect 140 characters as a first draft.

Black & White Photography

Trying to understand the purpose of b&w photography. "I know, I know, it's like a different, more 'mature'-possibly color variation" but like, the deeper intent/impact/meaning of it?? What types of images work better this way? After developing my first roll, I can only surmise:

-Abstract feelings (mostly sad, probably) Or feelings of exactness like someone Obviously lonely, happy, or pensive
-Not rly indoor scenery, often the lighting isn't dramatic enough and the objects look better in the colors they are-- image becomes a bit empty, uninteresting, or bare.
-Buildings at night with lights, with sky
-Nature scenes, esp if they already have the potential to look 'old' or Breugel-ish

super nuanced or just straight to the point (b&w even furthers its impact??)

I'm so depressed lol.

Color Photography

I'm trying to build a photography portfolio because I think my interests (in terms of physical activity/craft, not inspirations) are narrowing down. For me what it all comes down to for me is color, composition and story, and I think you can best explore these elements altogether- without distraction- in photography. I'm interested in reality and the subtle beauty of it that you experience when you really pay attention, or the vibe it offers that you either want to remember or aren't able to be completely conscious of in the moment that something is happening.

I never really thought about being a 'photographer' in high school/college even though I loved taking pictures because I guess I assumed it was too technical and I don't have any interest in learning about equipment or anything that seems like a barrier to expression. Also, I didn't like what I perceived as the super dramatic/corny aspect of it, like complicated lighting, backgrounds and makeup and shit. However, once I became addicted to disposable cameras and learned more about photographers I truly love, I realized that the medium doesn't have to be like that.

Here is my attempt at an appealing, expressive photo story that hopefully shows a decent range of color. My biggest struggle right now is finding inspiring landscapes and imagery in nature and everyday life that have rich and unique color schemes. I want my photo batches to look like when you google image search William Eggleston and you are just overwhelmed by the insane color and composition variation. I may otherwise have to resort in making my own still lifes out of funny artificial objects but I'm still unsure if the brightness will come across on film or if the images will be cool/professional-enough looking.

**this just looks kind of demonic...

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Trying to Clean My Room and...

These were some jotted down pieces that touched me at the Met in May/June:

-Odilon Redon: Bouquet of Flowers ~1905 pcotel/pcobel(??)
+Vase of Flowers (pink background)

-The Arrival in Bethlehem, 1540, Master LC

-Allegory of the Planets and Continents: Giovanni Battista Tiepolo, 1696-1770

-Degas: Young Woman with Ibis

-Karl Friedrich: Thiele Schinkel

-Edouard Villard: Garden at Vaucresson

-Designs... Queen of Night + Magic Flute Temple

-Gustave Courbet: The Sea

-Pierre-Auguste Cot: Springtime, 1873

-Van Gogh: Oleanders

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

feeling sad and afraid.

it's pretty hot.

I miss my friend and have too many memories.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Sunset Park doodles...

If I were to make a Sunset Park tote bag of key neighborhood illustrations and graphics, here's what it would have (*running list):

-Tacos (on a plate or in a box?)
-Bubble Tea
-The view from the park
-Green Fig bakery fruit tart
-Army Terminal
-D-Train and N/R-Train logo
-Vietnamese Sandwich
-Big Rig truck (?)
-Green-Wood Cemetery tombstone
-Cake slice(s)

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

flower/nature/solitude emoji

Lately it's come into fruition that all I want to be around/think about are flowers, animals, nature in general (outside), meditation and yoga again, being around that one Richard T. Walker piece I experienced in Austin last year and removing myself from all self-doubt and concern for a few hours at a time.

I think part of the reason the piece had such an impact on me in the way that it did was that because I was alone with it, and without the feeling that other people were watching it too or judging how long I was in the room. It was nice to settle into the space and make the it my own, even tho 'making it my own' mainly meant that I could charge my battery-evaporating phone and lounge in different parts of the room-- unzipping my backpack and fumblingly taking notes. (still pretty illegible)

Oh -- to be on the start of a new adventure...

Saturday, May 2, 2015

6 Months in NYC

and the only conclusion I've drawn is that all my favorite places to spend a lot of time (where I can finally feel whole, at peace and unanxious) now involve dead people, solitude, and non-humans.

S/O to:
-Green-Wood Cemetery
-The Met

Which is really convenient for making new, long-lasting friendships.

*Disclaimer: I forgot about IFC Center which is my favorite thing to do in NY, but I guess I still feel anxiety sometimes because there can be a lot of people which makes me miss my friends or wish I had them to go with. & I have to get on the subway right after which is always depressing...

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Last Day at American Girl Place

Today was my last day working at the American Girl Place on 5th Avenue in NYC.

It was a seasonal job that began maybe 2 or 3 weeks after I moved here.  Looking back (even though I got home only a few hours ago), it seems like such a whirlwind, bizarre, and informative experience.  Like, as strange as it was to be working a crazy retail job as an art college graduate with decent employment history, when I was actually there, helping customers and busy it didn't seem as awkward and strange.  I guess that's what "being in the present" is about or whatever.

I learned...:

~People aren't always what they seem -- especially when working with people that seem a lot different from you, or like they wouldn't like you, it can actually be quite the opposite and you can be very pleasantly surprised.

~Really, just be yourself. It's much easier and the right people will like you.  Make the effort to talk to those you work with because it'll make your time soo much easier and more worthwhile.

~(*With that being said*) Act, Act, Act... To lessen your chances of fucking up. Just do your best to seem on pointe because hopefully you won't have to fake it till much longer.

These seem really obvious, but when you're thrown into a completely new interpersonal work and location environment, these aphorisms truly get tested and start to seem more irl. Or they are disguised in  different, less glamorous manner.  Overall, I just hope this experience means growth; but, I think that it has, just by the nature of surviving it.

And maybe most importantly:::

~DOLLS ARE STILL AWESOME.  (((ESPECIALLY DOLLS WITH STORIES AND DETAILED WORLDS)))  I utilized my employee discount on the very last weekend which was smart because it kept me from going totally ham throughout the season and I got to spend time thinking about what I wanted and really trying to narrow it down as I worked.  So, I ended up choosing:

Day 1:

-Kit's School Lunch (eep, super vintage and cute)
-Julie's School Lunch (also, very retro and fun)
-Kit's Reporter Set
-Samantha's Bedtime Accessories

Day 2:

-Doll Photoshoot Book
-Floral Puppy Collar (very pop and decided I wanted it more than the orange plastic spike one I wanted before)
-Samantha's Dog, Jip (EEEEE I love him! Such a nice looking dog)

I'm very excited to open these and hopefully do something cool with them, or at least use as color and product inspiration.  I've been really interested in production design and the idea of getting into stop motion animation design in the future so I hope these will give me some ideas for cool still life scenes or combining premade toys/objects with my own textile backgrounds or something for some trippy snapshots???

So I'm 26 and excited about my doll accessory purchases as I was when 9 or 10 but it's probably about time for me to just give up on feeling normal... As David Lynch says, ""Inside, we are ageless and when we talk to ourselves, it’s the same age of the person we were talking to when we were little. It’s the body that is changing around that ageless centre"  This makes me feel sooo much better. :) Thanks, timely Eraserhead screening last night.