Monday, August 8, 2016


What would make me happy:

-quitting everything
-bf or crush who doesnt suck
-jesus idk
-probably living back in CA tbh
-normal schedule & life // access to regular yoga and ocean
-complete erasure of all the bad memories from since i've been here and probably some before too

-but what about the cinema here, fuck
**List of boys I've been obsessed with who have also flipped me off at one point**


It doesn't matter how lucid of a conversation you're having, if you don't feel a genuine closeness and attachment to the person you're talking to, there is no point in having the discussion because you will still feel empty and uninspired afterwards. Maybe even worse.

NYC is weird because I feel like I'm moving through the streets like a singular robot. What seems enthralling from a distance becomes generic and corporate up close and I feel farther away from myself than I should.

How much longer am I going to stay trapped in this room, wasting away the last years of my twenties? But going outside doesn't help unless I am with someone who is completing me and wants to be in that position where we mutually benefit each other.

Orange train blurs

When it's considered a victory if I can get through the subway ride home without crying, maybe it's time to move. Like, this shouldn't be a normal thing.

Monday, July 25, 2016

I feel empty here.

Empty, yeah empty that's the word. Not Quite 'numb' but almost... just kinda drifting now waiting for each day to end and hope that somehow, a few weeks down the line will bring some clarity.

Heavy heart, heavy mind, grey mornings.

Austin soon?

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

2nd Round of B&W developed

Here is a selection from the roll I just got developed that I think tell a story, or hints of a similar one:


Also, I listened to two really good podcasts today while at work: 
Duncan Trussell's Family Hour w/ Krishna Das and Tim Ferriss.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

that moby 18 album is really soothing and important to me rn

I would like to stop making the same mistakes over and over.
Feel like I've crossed some sort of barrier where I need a new routine, as I've grown tired of my current one, even though there's no checklist of sorts that exists and a life routine sounds awful.

My 1 1/2-year NYC anniversary just passed.

Still don't know how time is moving this fast... everything feeling like it's slipping away only exacerbates my anxiety and unease regarding where I am in my life and makes the time go faster as I remain stalled and panicked. It seems as though I've gone from feeling nebulous and like I have an infinite, abstract amount of time to feeling like I've lost everything and have about 4 years left to live within a matter of months wtf. #chill

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Scribbles on Met Map to Remember...

Morris Louis, Bridget Riley, John Chamberlain, Lee Krasner, Anselm Kiefer, Julian Lethbridge, Henry Koerner

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Violet Gaze and Stagnant Days

i don't want that pool to open.
i like my coworkers.
i hope i have fun this summer.

/hopefully to become part of window neon/signage series.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

feeling sad and far away from what once was. :-'(

Sunday, April 3, 2016


There was a time today when I felt really good and also a time where I felt really sad. Both kind of at opposite sides of the day spectrum. I think the good part had more weight, but the bad seems to last longer, or stronger for a shorter amount of time -then lingers- where good can trail forward for a long time until the sad part happens. It's interesting to analyze which has more impact. I think the good went deeper since it felt like a new experience/emotion whereas the bad is getting annoyingly repetitive but still has a strong grasp over me, like a shadow that won't leave me be for too long. They always cancel each other out, though, the good and the bad -- the light taking away the shadow and the shadow overtaking the light.

Starting to feel like a real homebody.
(which I feel guilty and kind of embarrassed about)

Carrie (1976)

I saw Brian De Palma's "Carrie" tonight for the first time at the IFC Center. I found it profoundly moving, especially the entire prom part. Really great visuals, shifting music, and a plethora of themes to dig through. I wish I could have attended a school dance like that irl, minus the pigsblood catastrophe, of course. Nothing like silver paper stars hanging from a ceiling to bring you back to the quintessential high school experience that never really existed.

Sunday, March 20, 2016


I'm in such a profoundly weird place in my life right now...

Saturday, March 19, 2016


Walked around and took some photos today. Here are a few favorites from my last developed roll:

Friday, January 1, 2016


This is an empty post to be completed soon, hopefully sometime in the next week.
Favorites I guess that I forgot to do in 2014.

1 Year in NYC

Last Wednesday night marked my 1-year anniversary in New York City. Wow. I'm glad that I couldn't remember whether it was Wednesday or Thursday because I would have been obsessing about it and trying to make it more perfect than I already subconsciously doing (but also, ignoring- thankfully). When I realized, Thursday morning, that my one-year was in fact the night before, I was relieved.

I was relieved because I spent the night doing something that felt natural, but still new, refreshing, and exciting which was spending time with a new friend from work watching the members screening of Gaspar Noe's "Love" at IFC Center.

I'm a bit hesitant because lately I've been a bit more obsessive and somehow contradictingly, lists and mapping out every detail seems exhausted. I feel sad thinking back about these moments because of time and how many are awash in loneliness, albeit seeming like fun, simple things on the surface. and when i read this list i am fearful that i will feel disappointed in myself and unimpressed by my childish rememberences and sentimentality that I feel pressure to have outgrown by now. If anything, a year alone in NYC has put me more in touch with the void than anything in my life has. Sometimes I felt like a prisoner

I don't like that I don't have the same "I LOVE NY!!!!" impression that virtually everyone else I meet here seems to have. It makes me feel even more alone, alien, and like I'm doing something wrong or have too many insurmountable mental barriers that are becoming engrained in me (I'm getting 'old,' 27!!!)

Most memorable events (should I do good or good&bad???? --scared of depressing tho):

-IFC Center
-finally working at American Girl Place (lol) and meeting Alexis.
-going to Beacon for the Felice Brothers show by myself and meeting up w/ a friend
-Helping Brent!! That was rly cool
-discovering Greenwood Cemetery
-living near Sunset Park
-Discovering a friend in my internship boss, Catherine
-my parents visiting, esp going out to eat at the restaurant the first night and Comedy Cellar
-After one year, I finally feel as if I have built close to (or as close as I have had) to a solid, more maturized wardrobe that I can rely on to express myself in a more sharp and assured/confident way
-almost psychedelic walks in BK Chinatown
-realizing that I am separate from my SF friends in ways I didn't think I would be and that that's okay because maybe I'm just rly myself now-- still thankful to feel in touch with Lisa tho on a spiritual level.
-Watching Breaking Bad alone while being sick haha. And being rly inspired by it.
-Viewing some rly interesting and unique stuff @ the Paley Center
-Networking event @ the Paley Center
-taking much more film photographs

Now, I feel like I'm ready for the next more serious stage in my life. I can't believe it took this long. I say more serious, but its more focused than daunting. For once. Fuck... It's like, I'm ready to take some control

***posting this late, but before Jan. 1st ends, i still need to edit it tho probably***