Monday, March 13, 2017

3.13.17

Tonight I bought my first travel guide book for my Asia tour! So genuinely excited for something for a change. Seems like an alternate universe.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

?

I might be turning over a new leaf. Not to jinx myself, but this may be happening. Abandoning all old, sad, negative emotions behind and trying to keep trekking forward. Not sure if this is neglecting my feelings or just getting to the point where I cannot fruitfully cry anymore since it's not changing anything or making the situation better.

Still not sure what I'm going to do long-term and I wish I'd committed to something by now but at least I'm still exploring. (?) Would probably like to go back to Europe to do fashion, stay here and do film (trying not to have an existential crisis that I'm interning at 28), and/or enroll in FIT in the summer/fall. At least I have cute, new clothes from Stories. Worried that if I quit the restaurant I'll be short on hours and money but I'm not sure how I can do it and keep working at Angelika and Stories. Is it worth the extra $100/wk or could I find something else/make it up somehow?

ARGHHHHHHUGHHHHHHHHH $&@*&$!(_$*!*$ I hate devoting so much energy to worrying about stupid, meaningless problems like this!!!!!!!!

If only I had one real job already!! (and wouldn't feel trapped in one path/stifled) PLEASE. FREAKING. HELP, life!!!!!!!! =O

Monday, August 8, 2016

nynastc-y

What would make me happy:

-quitting everything
-bf or crush who doesnt suck
-jesus idk
-probably living back in CA tbh
-normal schedule & life // access to regular yoga and ocean
-complete erasure of all the bad memories from since i've been here and probably some before too

-but what about the cinema here, fuck
**List of boys I've been obsessed with who have also flipped me off at one point**

Outside/Inside

It doesn't matter how lucid of a conversation you're having, if you don't feel a genuine closeness and attachment to the person you're talking to, there is no point in having the discussion because you will still feel empty and uninspired afterwards. Maybe even worse.

NYC is weird because I feel like I'm moving through the streets like a singular robot. What seems enthralling from a distance becomes generic and corporate up close and I feel farther away from myself than I should.

How much longer am I going to stay trapped in this room, wasting away the last years of my twenties? But going outside doesn't help unless I am with someone who is completing me and wants to be in that position where we mutually benefit each other.

Orange train blurs

When it's considered a victory if I can get through the subway ride home without crying, maybe it's time to move. Like, this shouldn't be a normal thing.

Monday, July 25, 2016

I feel empty here.

Empty, yeah empty that's the word. Not Quite 'numb' but almost... just kinda drifting now waiting for each day to end and hope that somehow, a few weeks down the line will bring some clarity.

Heavy heart, heavy mind, grey mornings.

Austin soon?