nynastc-y

What would make me happy:

-quitting everything
-bf or crush who doesnt suck
-jesus idk
-probably living back in CA tbh
-normal schedule & life // access to regular yoga and ocean
-complete erasure of all the bad memories from since i've been here and probably some before too

-but what about the cinema here, fuck

**List of boys I've been obsessed with who have also flipped me off at one point**

Outside/Inside

It doesn't matter how lucid of a conversation you're having, if you don't feel a genuine closeness and attachment to the person you're talking to, there is no point in having the discussion because you will still feel empty and uninspired afterwards. Maybe even worse.

NYC is weird because I feel like I'm moving through the streets like a singular robot. What seems enthralling from a distance becomes generic and corporate up close and I feel farther away from myself than I should.

How much longer am I going to stay trapped in this room, wasting away the last years of my twenties? But going outside doesn't help unless I am with someone who is completing me and wants to be in that position where we mutually benefit each other.

Orange train blurs

When it's considered a victory if I can get through the subway ride home without crying, maybe it's time to move. Like, this shouldn't be a normal thing.

I feel empty here.

Empty, yeah empty that's the word. Not Quite 'numb' but almost... just kinda drifting now waiting for each day to end and hope that somehow, a few weeks down the line will bring some clarity.

Heavy heart, heavy mind, grey mornings.

Austin soon?

2nd Round of B&W developed

Here is a selection from the roll I just got developed that I think tell a story, or hints of a similar one:

  

Also, I listened to two really good podcasts today while at work: 

Duncan Trussell's Family Hour w/ Krishna Das and Tim Ferriss.

that moby 18 album is really soothing and important to me rn

I would like to stop making the same mistakes over and over.
Feel like I've crossed some sort of barrier where I need a new routine, as I've grown tired of my current one, even though there's no checklist of sorts that exists and a life routine sounds awful.

My 1 1/2-year NYC anniversary just passed.

Still don't know how time is moving this fast... everything feeling like it's slipping away only exacerbates my anxiety and unease regarding where I am in my life and makes the time go faster as I remain stalled and panicked. It seems as though I've gone from feeling nebulous and like I have an infinite, abstract amount of time to feeling like I've lost everything and have about 4 years left to live within a matter of months wtf. #chill